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Spander Kinx

June 8th, 2006

Welcome! @ 09:39 pm

Current Location: my wee brekkie nook
Current Mood: bouncy bouncy
Current Music: nuh uh

Well, I thought this would be a fun way to introduce myself to...well...myself. But I hope to get lots more members. And I can love 'em, and hug 'em, and name 'em George.
The Rogue Pirate Angelus and Duchess Buffy, scymnus
Summery/Warnings: It was a match made in Heck. Intentional badfic. Character bashing left and right, but it’s all in good fun. I was trying for 500 words, but went over a bit, I think. Ah well. AU of course. Purple prose. In the sequel, the semi-evil pirate Angelus and Duchess Buffy will have kids! Eww! With Angelus as the pregnant one! This will prolly make you a mite bit quesy. It did me. off screen het and slash, off screen fisting. On with the fic. Ta!
Rating: R, I guess

“Unhand me, you foul rogue!” Cried Duchess Buffy, tossing about her golden locks. One of the locks hit the dashing fiend Angelus in the eye, but he healed in seconds, due to evil pirate healing. “You’ll not get into my knickers, you salty sea dog!”
“Duchess Buffy, I presume?” The scandalous, but most dashing rogue said. “Your reputation proceeds you. Let’s go get some chicken and waffles, and get busy.”
“Unhand me, you brute!” Duchess Buffy continued to struggle, although against what the dead sexy pirate really couldn’t say, for no one was holding her. “I must return home with my maidenhead intact. I am to marry Wussly the Swooner tomorrow.”
“He’s in my cabin now, lass.” Angelus, that handsome, shaggable devil said. “And well fucked too. Why me spunk was dribbling out of his sweet boy hole when I left him.”
“Are you a heathen that you would roger another man?”
“Oh please, Buffy, if he was a virgin, then I’m Mary Queen of Scots.”
“He was loose as an old whore. Methinks many a man has plundered his booty afore me. Why I had to share him with my first mate Mr. Spike. He was so loose we could both stick it too him at once!”
“Do they call him Mister Spike because he rams metal spikes into people’s innards?”
“Of course not, fair Buffy. He’s most quiet really, and has a fair hand at needlepoint. I rescued him from a fierce librarian, called Ripper the Fierce Librarian. He did most naughty things to the boy, let me tell you.”
“Then why the cruel pirate’s nickname?”
“Well, his willy is most unusually large for someone of his stature. He has kidnapped a lad by the name of Xan, and is training him in how to please a man.”
“Why would a pirate need a man servant?” Duchess Buffy was most curious.
“He keeps Mr. Spike’s crocheting yarn from becoming tangled, and he serves him in the bedroom.”
“Not more rogering, I should hope. It is most unnatural.”
“Pish tosh. What do you know of pirates?”
“Only that you should all be hanged.”
“I would worry about my own neck, Duchess.”
He grabbed the fanfuckingtabulous looking Duchess, and tongue fucked her mouth, with his cold tongue.
“Umph.” She slapped him. He slapped her back. Mr. Spike came over and slapped both of them, before returning to the helm. Ouch. “Ever heard of mentos? Do not kiss me, you fiend! Does my betrothal to Wussly mean nothing to you? Is nothing sacred in the eyes of a pirate?”
“Not really, baby. So about the chicken and waffles?”
“Is there even such a place nearby?”
“Of course. Mr. Spike! Set a course for Chicken and Waffle island.”
“We blew up Chicken and Waffle island last Tuesday, Sire, seeing as how their waffles taste like shite.”
“That is most regrettable, Mr. Spike. Well, not really. Take the helm, Mr. Lindsey, and set a course for Treasure and Waffle island.”
“I wanted to eat some chicken.” Buffy said with a pout.
“You may feast on my cock.” Angelus said with a wink. “No biting though. Please join us, Mr. Spike.”
“I can’t, Sire. I planned on introducing Xan to the joins of fisting.”
“Another time?”
“You betcha.”
Mr. Spike took his leave of the daft as a mouse, but still utterly irresistibly shaggable Captain Angelus, and his lovely captive Duchess Buffy. The Captain and the Duchess retired to his cabin for some thankfully off-screen shagging, and rogering, and that sort of thing.
“Oh my, your immense man pole will never fit in my snug passage.”
“You’d be surprised.”
And they all lived happily ever after, except for Duchess Buffy, who fell overboard. Oops! Excuse me while I go vom in the corner.
The End (or is it? Bwahahaa!)
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Date:July 13th, 2006 03:27 am (UTC)


This is so not hawt!


Spander Kinx