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Spander Kinx

June 24th, 2006

Pretty Foots: Chapter One, by scymnus @ 04:28 am

Current Location: Quartoth, baby!
Current Mood: chipper chipper
Current Music: Nah, we hates it. Well, not really.

Pretty Foots One: Rumplestilskin?

Rating: NC-17

Notes: Threesome, toenail painting, OOC, silly nicknames, BDSM, series, Xander in Faith drag, grown men in underoos, kink, eventually fisting (come on it's practically my signature), currently not very graphic sex (sorry!), and eventually Puppet! Angel

Spike awoke to someone riding him like a bucking bronco. According to his internal clock, it was afternoon. He was blindfolded, and his legs were tied to the footboard. His hands were free. He stroked the person on top of him.

“Drusilla? Slayer? Angelus?”

Masculine chuckling. Inspector Spike examined the evidence. The person dancing on his willy was warm. That left out the pouf. Something nice and hard was poking his belly, so it weren’t a chit. He slid his hands down the soft hairless legs. Stockings. So it couldn’t be Harris, right?

The voice was oddly distorted. Spike hoped it wasn’t the old man with the news stand, where he nicked his cigs. Now there was a willy wilting thought.

Bounce bounce. Bounce bounce bounce.

“Do you identify as human?” He asked.
“Negative.” The boy said. “Negative. I am a meat popsicle.”
Spike chuckled. He also loved The Fifth Element.
“Squee!” He poked a finger into the boy’s tight hole.

“Mm, yeah. Touch my sweet spot. Work it like a clit.”

Spike came.

“I wasn’t done.”

“I’m still hard, luv.”


Spike nibbled on Xander’s neck with blunt human teeth.

“You can if you want to.” The boy quoted Vampire Hunter D.

“This some kind of vampire fetish, pet? Not doing that again.”

“It isn’t.” The boy insisted. “I only want you, and to a lesser extent Angel.”
“That‘s alright. He‘s my Sire.”
“Cool. Anyway, I know all about you and the Buffinator.”


“Let’s just not go there. How you could shag someone with those giant clodhoppers is beyond me.”

“There was no shagging. Kissing? Yes. Pussy jokes, spankings, and oral sex? Yes, but her blow jobs suck, her spankings were crap, and she had that not so fresh feeling.”


“So, what brings you to my crypt, beautiful stranger?”

Unbeknownst to Spike, his boy blushed.

“I wanted to cheer you up. At first I thought, even the evil dead like cookies, so I made a few calls. Turned out that the only cookie delivery place in town won’t deliver to the cemeteries.”

“That’s not surprising, luv. Although, Peaches found a swanky new cookie place in L.A. that’ll deliver anywhere, and they’ve got cookie baskets with people and cookies in them. You can even get drugged people, so it doesn’t hurt to bite them. Squee!”

“Not squee. It’s cute when I say it. Or when Dawn, Willow or Tara says it. Buffy, not so much.”

“What’s your point, whelp?”

“My point is that you’re the Big Bad, so you-” He poked his vampire in the chest. “Can’t say squee!”

Spike pouted.

“Pouty!” The boy teased, he leaned over, and sucked Spike’s lower lip into his mouth. He tugged it playfully, before releasing it.

“I love you.” The boy said, gently.

He kissed his vampire sweetly, and continued to ride him with joyful abandon. Running his hands over the smooth cool chest.

“And I love you.“

“I know.”

“You’re nice and tight, love.” Spike said.

“Virgin.” The boy mumbled.

“Why don’t you untie me, and un-blindfold me, and I’ll take you the right way? We could go out, and have a lovely time.”

“I’m having a lovely time.” The boy insisted. “I’d hoped that you were too.”

“I am, baby.”

“I’ll untie you, but you have to pinky swear that you’ll leave the blindfold on.”

“Cross my wicked shrunken heart.”


“Could’ve been worse. I could’ve used the word desiccated.”

“Double eww!”

The boy untied his beloved vampire. Spike considered whipping off the blindfold, but he didn’t want to betray his boy’s trust. Despite the voice distortion, he knew that it was his nummy. He kissed him.

“Anyway, I could be hideous.” Nummy said.

“I doubt that.”

“I could be Elephant Man ugly.”

“Then I’d just invest in a lot of paper bags.”

The boy laughed.

“Ooh, do that again!”

But it was hard to laugh on command.

“I don’t care what you look like, pet. I want you to be mine. I’ll turn you once I get this sodding chip out.”

“Don’t I get a say in that?” The boy teased.

“Nope. I’m a veal man. You know that, yeah?”

“Yeah. Guess I won’t be an old man gumming on my young toy boy.”


“I can live with that. Or um unlive with it.”

“Now you’re talking.”


“You know, I always thought you’d liked old Rupert.”

“Eww, no. Pseudo father figure.”

“So you’ve never thought of pouncing on him-”


“Taking him out, slicking him up-”


“And riding the old sock puppet of love?”


“Methinks you doth protest too much.”

“You thinks what you want.”

“I will.”

“God! I’m such a slut!”

“How so?”

“I can’t get enough cock.” The boy said, shyly.

“Only I get to fuck you. Any other man what sticks it to ya, he’ll have to answer to me. ‘Cept for Peaches.”


“He’s my Sire. If you become my consort, he gets to have you. Of course, according to lore, he gets to bust your cherry, but he’s a pretty accommodating fellow.”



“So accommodating that he tried to send the world to Hell?”
“He was a little crazy for a bit. He’d had the soul too long, and it drove him round the bend, yeah?”

“I’m just glad that he has it again.”

Spike stiffened.

“He doesn’t, does he?” The whelp asked, softly.

“True or pretty?”


“No, sorry.”

“Is it too late for pretty?”


“Pretty then.”

“Oh yes. Oh yes Xan, yes. The soul is there, and stuck on tight. He’s on his way to marry Buffy, and they’ll make lots o’ nasty little rotters, and live happily ever after.”

The boy struggled.

“Let me go! I have to warn Buffy.”

Spike grabbed the boy, and slammed him on his back, and resumed thrusting deeply.

“You’re hurting.” The boy mewled.

Spike was still for a moment. Then he resumed, gently.

“I’m sorry, pet. I didn’t want to hurt, but I can’t let you have Buffy kill my Sire.” He let the boy up. “Go.”

“Get out, yeah? We’re too different, pet. Don’t let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.”
“Do I hafta?”
“Yes.” Spike gritted out.
“But I love you.”
“I know. Feeling’s mutual, ducks.”
“You still love him?”

No use in pretending he didn’t know who the whelp meant.

The boy turned his head away.

“Guess it was stupid for me to hope you loved me.”

“I do.”

“You can’t love more than one person.”

Spike gently turned the boy’s face towards him. Eerie that. Xander wondered how effective blindfolds were against super vamp senses.

“What about your parents? You can love your Mum, and your Dad.”

“I can’t.”

“They didn’t- He didn’t-”

“They never touched me.” Xander said. “But they, um- ignore me. They gave Uncle Rory my bedroom, and charge me rent to live in the basement.”

“You’re my boy now, and I won’t never let you go.”


Spike praised the boy, as he slowly rode his vampire to completion.

“Still hard?” The boy asked.

“Yeah, but I’m all shagged out.”

“Oh. Can I- Never mind.” He turned his face away again.

“Can I what?”

“You’ll probably say no.”

“That’s not a reason to not ask.”

Xander gave him a little kiss.

“Okay. Can I fuck you?”

“Yes, but just be gentle, yeah? I haven’t done that in a very long time.”

“Why not?”

Spike rolled over on his belly.

“I was a virgin when I was turned, so it generally hurts.”

“We don’t have to do that if you hate it.”

“I couldn’t hate anything you did, baby.”

Xan climbed off the vampire. Spike didn’t peek. He knew it was Xander and he surely looked so pretty, and sad. Spike wanted to bundle him up, and love him forever.

Well, that’s just what I’ll do.

“I want to give you a massage. I’m thinking that your bastard of a Sire never soothed and relaxed you, baby.”

“M’ not a baby.”

“You’re my baby.”

Xander warmed the cool massage oil in his hands, before smoothing it over the vampire’s back. He rubbed him briskly, smoothly, softly, raining little kisses on his back, for over an hour. He let oil dribble down Spike’s bum, and massaged it into the crack. He pushed one finger into his hole.

“Is that okay?”

“More than.”



Xander pushed in a second finger. He scissored them inside Spike’s cool channel.


“Thank you.”



Three burned a little, but Xander soothed it away.

“Ready for me?”

“Yes, pet.”

Xander slowly pushed in his erection. Spike was so cold and tight, the boy worried that he wouldn’t be able to last long. He kissed Spike’s shoulder.

“It doesn’t hurt.” Spike said.


Kiss. Fondle. Nuzzle.

“I love you.” Xander said.

He slowly made love to Spike, for over an hour. He brought off his lover first, before cumming inside him, and draping himself over his back.

“Am I too heavy?”


They napped for awhile. When Spike awoke, he heard the tell tale signs of someone dressing.

“Leaving so soon?”

“Thought I might, yeah.”

“Can I hear your real voice?”

“Not yet, but you’re a smart vamp. I left you a clue. You’re gonna leave your blindfold on until after I’ve left.”


“You’re a vampire. It’s a game. Like the hunt.”

The boy left. When he was certain that he was gone, Spike took off the blindfold. He got off the bed, and found a wee shoe. It wasn’t his. His feet were a respectable size ten.

Spike picked up the tennis shoe. It was a size 8 Ked.

“The game is afoot.” He said, and winced at his own bad pun.

He went back to bed. That night he got his kit on, and decided to make his way over to the kiddie hang out.

Sadly, the De Soto had died a noble death, so he was left hoofing it. And he was out of smokes. He’d quit if the boy truly wanted him to, but he doubted it would come to that. He worried that someone he didn’t like, didn’t love, had found out about his Xander obsession, and chose to exploit it.

If it weren’t him, I’ll just pay him a visit like.

Suitably cheered, Spike made his way to the Bronze.

He surreptitiously checked out the other men’s feet at the teen hangout. Earlier that evening, he’d even considered looking at the Watcher’s feet, but it couldn’t be him. The Watcher was prolly loose as the old whore he was.

Harris was dancing with another man.

Mating more like. Spike thought.

Their tongues fucked, and they ran their hands over each other’s bodies. Xander turned his back to the other man, who thrust against him in a parody of sex. Spike had had enough of that cock teasing bitch. He set down his beer, and stalked his chosen prey.

“What’s a slut like you doing in a nice place like this?” Spike purred.

“Are you stalking me?” Xander asked. “It’s flattering, but creepy.”

“Mine.” Spike growled.

“Rude much?” Xander said, continuing to writhe against the other man. “Me and…what’s your name again, Sweetie?”


“Thanks. Me and Todd are getting our dance on. Go away.”

“You have a meep on your nose.” Spike informed Xander.
He tweaked Xander’s nose. “Meep.”
The boys laughed. Todd glowered at both of them.
Spike checked out Xander’s feet. Drool. Thigh high black leather boots. Very small feet.

“Size 8 shoes, pet?”

“Yup. You’d never fit into ’em.”

“You’d be surprised what I’d fit into.”

“You’re never gonna fuck me, Spike. Because it’s wrong.”

“Listen, Faith Lite, you’re coming home with me.”

“You want I should get ride of this bastard for you?” Todd asked.

“Like you could, wanker.”

“Spike, huh? Do you live up to your nickname?”

“You have no idea, pillock.”

“Don’t tease Spike, Todd. We’re five by five.”

“I wanna take him out back, and teach him a lesson.”

“No need, Todd. Spike’s going to fuck off of his own accord. Unless of course he can say something nice about me.”

“Did you turn into a chit without telling me, Harris?”

“I’m waiting.”

“You have pretty feet.” Spike muttered.

“Was that so hard?”


Spike treated Xander to a nose kissy.

“You came here with me.” Todd bitched.

“I’m leaving with him.”

Todd punched Spike. Spike punched him back, then clutched his head. Xander cold cocked Todd. They stepped over him.

“Let’s go back to my crypt, pretty foots.”

“Pretty foots?”

“Just a nickname. I think it suits you.”

“Thanks. But let’s go to my place instead. I have two words for you: running water.”

“Works for me. I’d like to get you set up in my nest though. I have an electrician friend that owes me a favor.”


Spike tickled his boy.

“Nighty night, Ted.” Xander said, with a mocking little wave.

“Todd.” The prone man whined.

Spike kicked him in the ribs.

“Fuckity fuck!” He shouted, clutching his poor hurt head.

“Poor baby.” Xander soothed. “Let’s go back to my apartment for some chicken and waffles.”

“Did you just go there, girlfriend?” Angelus asked, kinda mysteriously, but mostly poufily. He was wearing leather pants, and a wet white wife beater.

“Guh.” Xander drooled.

“I’ll take that guh, and raise you a gah.” Spike drooled on Xander.

“Are you evil?” Xander asked. “If so, do you have an uncontrollable urge to drag us back to your apartment, and shag us rotten? I‘d have to struggle, because it‘s wrong, but I know I couldn‘t stop you from having your wicked way with me. Be gentle. I‘m a virgin. Well, not really.”

“Xander, are those Faith’s boots?”

“Yes, Angelus. Do you like them?”

“Yeah, baby. I love them. I can’t wait to have you on your back-”

“Now wait just a minute.” Spike interrupted.

“Legs lewdly spread, hole stretched around my cock.”

“He’s mine.” Spike snapped.

“I’ve twelve inches, boy, and you make me hard.”

“Guh.” Xan drooled.

“I can last for hours, if I’ve fed well.”

“Fed?” Xander squeaked.

“Don’t worry, Xan, I won’t bite you, unless you ask nicely.”

“Pretty please?”

“Xan?” Spike tried.

“With cream and sugar and strawberries on top?” Xander continued.

“Pretty foots?”

“Will ye cry when I take ye?”

“If you want me to.”

“I won’t stay where I’m not wanted.” Spike pouted.

“Who says ye have a choice, childe?”


“That’s some chubby ye got there lad. Sure I can’t-” Unzip. “Take care of that for ye?”


Suck. Nibble.

“Take every inch, Dead Boy.” Xander encouraged. “Guh!”
Spike pushed his hands up Xander’s shirt.
“Cold hands in new places!” The boy squeaked.

“Please, Harris. I know it were you what snuck into me crypt and rode me love pony.”

“More like a love stallion.”

Angel withdrew.

“You dicked my sweet Xan?”


“Ooh, I woulda liked to have seen is all.”

“Good thing I have video tape.”

“There’s tape?”

“Uh yeah?”

“You taped us, and you didn’t tell me?” Pouting, chin quivering, eyes filling with tears. Gah!

“I thought you’d be mad.”

“You thought he’d sell it on Ebay or pay per view.” Angelus corrected.

“I busted my sweet nummy’s cherry, blindfolded I might add, and therefore haven’t seen him with his head thrown back in passion.”

“You will.” Xander promised. “Tonight.”




“Let’s go back to the mansion.” Angelus suggested. “I want to fuck you both.”

“Do we get any say in this, Sire?” Spike asked.

“Sure, but I have an Xbox 360, and a new racing game.”

His boys drooled in tandem.

“You would pass up mind blowing sex for video games?” Angelus demanded.

“Duh?” Spike said.

“Totally duh.” Xander agreed.

“We’ll play video games after our post coital nap.” Angelus said, firmly.

“Ooh, I forgot you were an old geezer.” Xander said.

He smooched Angelus a la Bugs Bunny, then ran off cackling, his lovers in hot pursuit. Spike goosed him, then hauled him into his arms. They kept running, right into a brassed off Slayer. Buffy.

“Angel?” Buffy said, eyes filling with tears. “Is it really you?”

“Yes.” Angelus lied. “It’s me, Buffy. But we can never be together, because it’s wrong.” He laughed.

“Sorry Angel, but Xander already called Faith.” Spike said.

“Are you evil again?” Buffy demanded.

“Say what?” Faith said. “Are those my boots?”

“Heh heh. Look, a pretty cloud!”

“Not evil.” Angelus said, firmly.

“Okay, so we can make with the smoochies?” Buffy asked, getting up in his business. “I mean you’re not evil. I’m not evil. We can’t go all the way, but maybe we could go part way?”

“Eww.” Xander said.

“I know his broodiness is hot stuff.” Faith said. “He could have me on a cracker, and I would provide the cracker. But that doesn’t change the fact that whenever you two get hot and heavy, he tries to send the world into Hell.”

“Sheesh.” Angelus griped. “I tried once, unsuccessfully I might add. That’s not a set pattern of behavior.”

“So we can get back together?” Lots of blinking. Possibly winking. Uber eww.

“I’m sorry, Buffy. I want Spike and Xander.”

“But they’re guys.” Buffy wailed.

“Um duh?” Angelus replied.

“No, you’re not gay.”

“Why not?” Spike asked.

“No one I’ve ever gone out with or slept with, Hell danced with is allowed to be gay, cuz I say so.”

“I’m bi, but I like guys best.” Angelus said. “The guys I like are Xander and Spike. Whoo hoo! I rhymed! Squee!”

“Bounce!” Spike and Xander shouted, bouncing.

Angelus and Faith got in on the act.

“Can I come with you guys, and watch?” Faith asked. “Maybe get in on the action, or at least steal back my boots?”

“Eep!” Xander said.

Faith had come on to him once before. He’d run away like a little girl into the night. That chick was scary.

“Tomorrow, pet.” Spike promised. “Peaches and Xander are about to have their first time together, and he’s gonna renew his relationship with yours truly.”

“We’ve got Xbox.” Xander said.

“I have Xbox.” Angelus corrected.

His boys pouted in stereo.

“We have Xbox.” He said, resigned.

There was much splee! And bouncing. The three men went out to the Angel-mobile. Buffy watched them go. She suspected that they had set up shop in the creepy old mansion on Crawford. She intended to investigate.

“Hey B, seeing as how your ex is getting groiny with two dudes, what say we have a little fun?”

“Sure.” Buffy said, shyly.

The evil slayer insister that they take a bath together before the festivities, but that is another story, to be told another time.

Angelus and his guys sprang out of the sports car, and rushed inside the mansion. They headed to the bedroom, and undressed quickly.

“How do you want me?” Xander asked.

“On your back, my love.” Angelus answered.

Xander obeyed, shyly.

“Prepare pretty foots, William.” Angelus commanded.

Spike lubed his fingers, and pressed two inside the whelp, who squirmed prettily. Three. Twist. Whine.

“Got your sweet spot, yeah love?” Spike asked.

“Yeah, baby.”

Xander was ready. Angelus lifted his legs up over his shoulders, and pressed his slicked erection inside. The boy worked to take every inch. Spike grinned wickedly, and took Xander's erection into his mouth. Angelus pouted.

"I was going to do that. We dead guys are pretty limber."

The three men made love until dawn. When Angelus finished taking Xander, the vampire took Spike, and was taken by Xander at the same time. Afterwards, the three man fell fast asleep.

Angelus awoke the next morning with Spike. The blonde was sound asleep. He decided not to wake him. He donned a pair of black silk boxers, and went to look for Xander.


“Take that B!”

“Hey! This isn’t bumper cars.”

Buffy and Faith were wearing jammies playing racing games. They were cheating. Shoving each other, and occasionally pausing the game to fight on the floor. Xander wore nothing but a pair of X-Men underoos. He stamped one pretty foot.

“Buffy Anne Summer!” He said. “You and Faith are guests in this house.”

“Watch out B, pretty foots is on the rag!” Faith snorted.


Xander leaped onto Faith, and they fought on the floor. She pulled her punches. Soon they were tickling each other, best friends. Damn. More fighting. And some yelling. Spike walked into the living room, blinking sleepily, and wearing nothing but Teen Titans underoos.

“Why are there Slayers in our un-living room?” He asked.

“Hah!” Faith said. “We don’t have to be invited. Not like you vamps.”

“Can I eat her?” Spike asked.

“No.” Angelus said, firmly.

He was concerned about Xander, as he and Faith were still fighting. Sure she wasn’t using full Slayer strength, but she was unpredictable.

“Snarl.” Xander said, biting Faith on the shoulder.

“Pretty foots, no biting.” Angelus scolded.

You’d think that would be a given. The vampires thought.

“But Angel.” Xander whined. “She wants my boots! And I didn’t bite hard.”

“Biting is never acceptable, young man.” Spike said, tersely.


Xander quickly rolled off of Faith, who laughed.

“That’s quite a stiffy you’re sporting, champ!”

Spike pouted. Xander went over to him, and gave him a kiss. They flopped down on the couch, and kissed passionately.

"Keep it above the waist, guys." Buffy said.

She sternly told herself that watching an ex getting jiggy with her friend was not sexy at all. Really.

“So, what’s the plan, Stan?” Xander asked, gazing up at Angelus.

“Breakfast, then throwing out our guests.” He replied.

“Cool.” Spike said.

“Hey!” Buffy complained. “We’re guests in your apartment.”

She and Faith began to pout. The dark haired Slayer practically made pouting into a sex act with those lips. Buffy and the guys drooled.

“There’s a big bad that needs killing not too far from here.” Faith said.

Spike pouted.

“You’re the only Big Bad for me.” Xander said.

They resumed snogging, Spike gripping his boy’s hair.

To Be Continued...

Puppet Angel: Oh that is just not on!
scymnus: Bwahaha! Tune in tomorrow. Same Pretty Foots time. Same Pretty Foots channel!


June 15th, 2006

Perfect Offering uber-tease, by scymnus @ 02:02 am

Current Mood: loved loved
Current Music: I don't need musical interludes. I'm a powerful man witch!

Perfect Offering uber tease, by scymnus (that's me!)
NC-21 for the sex, the violence, (fairly mild) canabalism warning, human! AU, non consensual drug use, blinding of an OMC, prolly castration, sarcasm, issues, torture fic, the works really

Xan woke up. Rohypnol. He played possum, wanting to make it good for Spike. It wasn’t time to free him from the mortal coil yet, unless of course Spike had done sixty-five beasties in eleven days. That would be industrious even for a vampire, and Spike was human now.

He tested his bonds. Handcuffs.

“Vintage, huh, baby?”

Spike preferred flex cuffs now. It was so rude, when a viccy fancied himself an amateur Houdini.

“Awake, pet?” A yank with a hilarious fake accent queried.

Xander was reminded of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Silly kine. Dark eyes opened.

“Come on in, Spike!” He shouted, raising himself to his feet, with a nifty karate move that he’d lifted from the Slayer.

Hmm. No Spike. Gotta improvise.

“Oh you’re got green eyes.” Xander sang, kicking the viccy in the nuts. “Oh you’re got blue eyes. You’ve got grey eyes. And I never met anyone quite like you before.” Viccy had pretty grey eyes.

Spike followed Xan damn near everywhere, causing him to joke that the former vampire was just like a certain little lamb. Spike held his dick when he pissed, fer crissakes, but was rarely even in the apartment when he took a shit. He followed Xan when he wasn’t working, and sometimes when he was.

Xander kicked the other man again.

“I’m not gonna get taken out by some stupid wanna be copycat viccy.” He spat.

Beastie wasn’t worth toying with, so he relaxed, did a kittenish little shimmy, and presto! No more cuffs on him.

He put them on his hand like brass knuckles, and punched the bastard, breaking his nose. Blood bubbled out. Neat.

“Beastie has spirit.” The copycat crowed.

“Nope. Just gotta get home in time for dinner. It’s meatloaf night, fucker, and it‘s such a bitch to get Spike to cook.”

He glanced around for blunt objects. This viccy didn’t deserve sharp.

Ah. A bat.

“If it wasn’t meatloaf night, I might take my time with you.” Kick. “Might show you what I can do with a bat, Christian.”

Dangerous game, reminding the prey that it had options, but Xander hated to play it safe. Oh yes. He remembered viccy. Spike’s ickle roommate, at sleep away camp for the stars.

“My name is-”

“Beastie? Berk? Numbah 13? I don’t like you, Christie.”

“Don’t call me that!” The prey screeched.

“That sincerest form of flattery bit?” Spike crooned, entering through the living room window. “Bollocks.”

didn’t invite you in!”

“No, but Xander did, and I’m a former vampire besides, fucktard.” Spike said, bouncing. He rubbed his fingers together. “This is the world’s tiniest violin, playing the world’s saddest song.”

Xander clapped.

“I thought you preferred My Heart Pumps Purple Piss For You?”

“Now baby, you know that’s our song.”


“Have at him, pet. He’s a bad doggy. He tried to stick it in.”

“A shank?”

Spike’s favorite weapon for months, along with ice picks.

“His wee prick.”

Xander went ballistic.

“You are kine!” He roared. “You don’t fuck your betters.”

Xander advanced on the viccy, and beat him to death with his own cuffs,


Spike fished an ice pick out of his duster, and slapped it in Xander’s hand. A cheeky grin from the boy, who stuck it in one of viccy’s pretty grey eyes. Twist. He pulled it out.

“Will you do the honors, baby?” Xander asked.

“Will do, pet.”

Spike took an awl out of his pocket, and finished blinding mousie.

Spike gave him first blood. They gnawed on the corpse with blunt human teeth. Not wise if they didn’t want to get caught, but they did. How else would they get their movie of the week, (though hopefully without a Thelma and Louise ending), not to mention the book deal, and the breakfast cereal? Mousie-O’s? Nah. Beastie-O’s. Yum! Free switchblade in every box!

“That was fun.” Xander said, wiping the blood from his mouth.

“Over too quickly for my taste.” Spike said. “Missed a spot, baby.” He added, though he hadn’t, brushing Xander’s lower lip with his thumb.

“It’s meatloaf night.”

“Do you have the stuff? Meatloaf night is the bloody bollocks.”

“I sure as Hell hope not!”

“You know what I mean, pet.”

“Yeah, baby.”

Xander eased into Spike’s arms.

It’s your turn.” Xander sang.

“Nuh uh. It’s yours.”

“No way!”

“Yes way!”

“You are so wrong! Last time I made pasta primavera.”

“Right. Which means you didn’t make meatloaf last.”

“You suck.”

“Now there’s a plan.”

“Please please please! Make your super special meatloaf? Even if it does have bloody bollocks in it.”



“Okay. You talked me into it, you little minx!”

“More of a stoat, really.”

“Do you even know what a stoat is?”


Xander was stalking a consumptive punk named Stoat, who bore an eerie resemblance to Spike. Stoat and Spike had been fucking each other six ways to Sunday, and that pissed Xander off. His lover knew he was dangerous when jealous. He liked a jealous Xander. Made him all cute and homicidal like.


June 14th, 2006

Insurance Agents! by scymnus @ 01:42 am

Current Mood: artistic artistic
Current Music: nine!

Insurance Agents in Love, by scymnus

A Perfect Offering AU of an AU!


NC-21 Seriously, if you are under the age of 21, DO NOT pass go, do not collect $200. In other words, if you are underage, don’t read the fix! X-posted up the wazoo!

Xander didn’t know if he was double dog daring Spike to kill him, just to slow him down, murder-wise. And wasn’t that a pleasant thought? Not. No room for his Inner Buffy. He wondered what they would do when the serial killer bit wasn’t fun anymore, and didn’t make them hot. They could always sell insurance.

Summery/Warning: In Perfect Offering, there is a line in which Xander ponders what they’ll do when the serial killer “bit” stops getting them hot. The alternative is selling insurance. In Perfect Offering canon (hah! Didn’t know there was such a thing, didja?) Spike and Xander don’t stop being serial killers, cuz it’s fun. Role play, anal sex, cock and ball torture, evil, fangs, fisting, lactation, masochism, nipple torture, (flagging) yellow, water sports (piss play!) Despite my gross misuse of whelp, boy and the like, there are no minors in this fix (though the same can’t be said for Perfect Offering!) It’s a wee sleekit ficlit, I think. Um, what is the word limit for those? Heh! Dodging tomatoes.

Alexander Harris fled the amorous insurance agent on his tail. William Bradshaw refused to be denied his quarry, and chased the dark haired man to his office. He cornered him by the desk, and ripped open his shirt.

“Mr. Bradshaw, this is most irregular!” Mr. Harris said.

William Bradshaw mauled his bitch’s teats, which, thanks to a really cool spell were dribbling milk. They were pierced with silver rings, and little bells. He lapped at the milk.

“Moo!” Alexander said.

He gasped as the pale blonde agent shoved him face down over his own desk, scattering pencils, and paperclips.

Mr. Bradshaw yanked down the other man’s slacks. He took out his hard on, licked his palm, fisted his prick, and sank in balls deep.

“I always thought that you were a bit of alright, Mr. Harris.” Mr. Bradshaw said, thrusting. “You‘re so tight.”

He growled, gnawed at Mr. Harris‘ shoulder. It hurt, but it was good.

“Please Sir, I don’t want to do this.”

“Don’t you want your Christmas bonus?”

“I’ll settle for harder! Cookies.”

“Is that so, pet?” Mr. Bradshaw gnawed his nummy’s neck.

“Stay in character!” Xander hissed.

“Fine.” Nip. “I say, Mr. Harris, you’re a bit of alright.”

Spike started a sort of corkscrew motion.

“Are you doing the Angel?”

“Since when does the poof rate definite articles?”

“I meant the Angel maneuver. You know, the corkscrew thingy?”

“Hah! He learned it from me, baby.”

“No way. Mr. Bradshaw is totally ruthless, and wouldn’t call Mr. Harris baby.”

“Well, Mr. Harris is a shameless slut, who’ll do anything for me big fat cock.”

“Heh. Heh. Forgot. Where was I?”

“Harder. And something about cookies.”

“Please, Mr. Bradshaw, I need your cock as deep as it can go. You can’t hurt me.”

“Can’t I?”

He fucked Xander until he came, then pulled out.

He fished a tube of slick out of his cheesy sport coat jack, and flipped it open. He lubed two fingers, and pushed them in the squirming brat. A bit of a twist, and he got his boy’s sweet spot.

“More.” Xander demanded.

“Sure thing, pet.”

More slick. Three fingers. A bit of a burn really, and wasn’t that surprising? They rarely used more than spit. Without consulting Xander, Spike slicked a fourth finger, and plunged in. The boy was grinding back against him. Neat. He shoved in the thumb. He made a fist, earlier than usual. Xander put his head down, and mewled. Pretty. Wrist. Grind. In no time at all it seemed, he was in up to the elbow. This insurance thing was working out great. He lazily fisted his nummy treat. He laughed.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I was just thinking about poor Jacky boy.” He explained.

“Poor Jack.”

Spike had seduced Jack, fucked him, invited Xander to help with a little double penetration. After that, he’d slowly ridden him in the leather manager’s chair til he popped. Gave him video head cleaner, then fisted him. He’d carried him to the window, and dropped him out, ‘saying make a wish,’ to Xander.

An hour later, and he was done fisting Xan. He pulled out.

He glanced around for a sex toy. A marital aid. With a cheeky grin, he remembered something he’d spotted in his boy’s desk drawer. He snickered.

“Close your eyes, pet.”

Xander obeyed. It had been his experience that whenever Spike said that it was always something too cool or too horrible to ruin the surprise. Either was okay with him.

Spike pulled out, and walked around to the other side of the desk, hitching up his pants. Triumphantly he took out a massive cobalt blue dildo. It was slightly curved, and frankly huge. Whistling, he returned to his boy, and dropped trou. He shoved his cock back in, and snaked the dildo around to Xander’s lips, who laughed, and deep throated it.

Spike took it back, and pushed it into the boy, next to his cock. He pulled out the boy’s yellow handkerchief. He’d noticed it in the men’s room. He used it to gag his nummy, and pissed up in his belly.

“When ungh! When was the last time you pissed?”

Spike kissed his neck. “Last night.” He murmured in Xander’s ear.

“It’s 3:30 p.m.!”


“So, you could get some kind of infection. Something gross. Like when you got scabies that time.”

“When we got scabies, you mean.”

“I told you not to fuck Stoat, man.”

Stoat was a green haired punk who’d gotten caught on Spike’s (blunt human) teeth.

“Methinks you should follow your own advice.”

“Heh heh. Anyhow, scabies sharing is in our vows.”

“With these scabies I thee wed?”

“With my- harder! Fuck it! With my body, I thee worship.”

Five minutes later, Spike finished pissing. He stuffed an enormous butt plug up his boy’s pussy.

“After you’ve had a thorough douching, and probably retightening, I’m gonna fuck you, and fist you, and hurt you til dawn, bitch.”

“Promises promises.” Xander said.

He bent over cheekily, giving Spike a lovely view of his pretty pink hole. He shook his bum, then pulled up his trousers. He straightened, and turned towards Spike, who was on fire.

“Baby, you’re on fire!”

“Heh. You’re not so bad yourself.”

Xander grabbed him, and manhandled him over to the mirrored glass, which reflected Xander and the office, but no Spike. The vampire blinked.

“Oops! Guess the shanshu wore off, nummy!” Spike said, sheepishly, beating the flames off his sleeve.

“On that note, let’s head back home.”

“But it’s payday!” The unrepentant vamp whined.

“Come with me, and I’ll buy you something pretty.”

“Leave the plug in?”

“You know it!” Xander quipped.



June 9th, 2006

Teaser! squee! @ 06:59 pm

Current Location: my wee sleekit breeky nook
Current Mood: content content
Current Music: Sir, no Sir!

Hello, we've decided to shares a teaser or two, Precious. It's from our human! AU Perfect Offering, by scymnus (me!) We loves feedback, my Precious.

Perfect Offering, or 666 Pretty Corpses, by scymnus
Summery/Warnings: Xander and Spike are wounded and issue ridden. My take on one of the ways shanshu could go horribly wrong. What if Spike was never shy sweet William? What if Jack the Lad was his feckin’ idol when he was human? Would it be any wonder if he came back wrong? Xander is a big old cheater, because he wants Spike to love him as much as all the pretty corpses he leaves in his wake. Poor boys. EXTREME torture and mutitlation warning. I’m not kidding. This is some sick shit. 9 out of 10 British punks lost their lunch after reading this fic.
Rated NC-35, for the sex, the violence, and my foul feckin' mouth. Hee hee. Bring on the pr0n.
Pairing: human! Spike/Xander

Though Spike was human now, he still had a reputation. Nine demons out of ten didn’t want to piss him off. While a vampire skewering people with a rusty railroad spike was scary, an insane human doing it was enough to make Fyarls piss the bed.

June 8th, 2006

Welcome! @ 09:39 pm

Current Location: my wee brekkie nook
Current Mood: bouncy bouncy
Current Music: nuh uh

Well, I thought this would be a fun way to introduce myself to...well...myself. But I hope to get lots more members. And I can love 'em, and hug 'em, and name 'em George.
The Rogue Pirate Angelus and Duchess Buffy, scymnus
Summery/Warnings: It was a match made in Heck. Intentional badfic. Character bashing left and right, but it’s all in good fun. I was trying for 500 words, but went over a bit, I think. Ah well. AU of course. Purple prose. In the sequel, the semi-evil pirate Angelus and Duchess Buffy will have kids! Eww! With Angelus as the pregnant one! This will prolly make you a mite bit quesy. It did me. off screen het and slash, off screen fisting. On with the fic. Ta!
Rating: R, I guess

“Unhand me, you foul rogue!” Cried Duchess Buffy, tossing about her golden locks. One of the locks hit the dashing fiend Angelus in the eye, but he healed in seconds, due to evil pirate healing. “You’ll not get into my knickers, you salty sea dog!”
“Duchess Buffy, I presume?” The scandalous, but most dashing rogue said. “Your reputation proceeds you. Let’s go get some chicken and waffles, and get busy.”
“Unhand me, you brute!” Duchess Buffy continued to struggle, although against what the dead sexy pirate really couldn’t say, for no one was holding her. “I must return home with my maidenhead intact. I am to marry Wussly the Swooner tomorrow.”
“He’s in my cabin now, lass.” Angelus, that handsome, shaggable devil said. “And well fucked too. Why me spunk was dribbling out of his sweet boy hole when I left him.”
“Are you a heathen that you would roger another man?”
“Oh please, Buffy, if he was a virgin, then I’m Mary Queen of Scots.”
“He was loose as an old whore. Methinks many a man has plundered his booty afore me. Why I had to share him with my first mate Mr. Spike. He was so loose we could both stick it too him at once!”
“Do they call him Mister Spike because he rams metal spikes into people’s innards?”
“Of course not, fair Buffy. He’s most quiet really, and has a fair hand at needlepoint. I rescued him from a fierce librarian, called Ripper the Fierce Librarian. He did most naughty things to the boy, let me tell you.”
“Then why the cruel pirate’s nickname?”
“Well, his willy is most unusually large for someone of his stature. He has kidnapped a lad by the name of Xan, and is training him in how to please a man.”
“Why would a pirate need a man servant?” Duchess Buffy was most curious.
“He keeps Mr. Spike’s crocheting yarn from becoming tangled, and he serves him in the bedroom.”
“Not more rogering, I should hope. It is most unnatural.”
“Pish tosh. What do you know of pirates?”
“Only that you should all be hanged.”
“I would worry about my own neck, Duchess.”
He grabbed the fanfuckingtabulous looking Duchess, and tongue fucked her mouth, with his cold tongue.
“Umph.” She slapped him. He slapped her back. Mr. Spike came over and slapped both of them, before returning to the helm. Ouch. “Ever heard of mentos? Do not kiss me, you fiend! Does my betrothal to Wussly mean nothing to you? Is nothing sacred in the eyes of a pirate?”
“Not really, baby. So about the chicken and waffles?”
“Is there even such a place nearby?”
“Of course. Mr. Spike! Set a course for Chicken and Waffle island.”
“We blew up Chicken and Waffle island last Tuesday, Sire, seeing as how their waffles taste like shite.”
“That is most regrettable, Mr. Spike. Well, not really. Take the helm, Mr. Lindsey, and set a course for Treasure and Waffle island.”
“I wanted to eat some chicken.” Buffy said with a pout.
“You may feast on my cock.” Angelus said with a wink. “No biting though. Please join us, Mr. Spike.”
“I can’t, Sire. I planned on introducing Xan to the joins of fisting.”
“Another time?”
“You betcha.”
Mr. Spike took his leave of the daft as a mouse, but still utterly irresistibly shaggable Captain Angelus, and his lovely captive Duchess Buffy. The Captain and the Duchess retired to his cabin for some thankfully off-screen shagging, and rogering, and that sort of thing.
“Oh my, your immense man pole will never fit in my snug passage.”
“You’d be surprised.”
And they all lived happily ever after, except for Duchess Buffy, who fell overboard. Oops! Excuse me while I go vom in the corner.
The End (or is it? Bwahahaa!)

Spander Kinx